men, if you ever do this…

today’s blog is about me. today’s blog is about me and a particular gentleman who shall remain nameless. and i hope that he doesn’t see this post. actually, you know what? i NEED him to see this post. maybe he’ll take a few pointers. today’s blog is also going to be a little bit explicit and a lotta bit uncomfortable. so if you’ve got a weak stomach, stop reading. however, if you wanna crack up laughing at one of my most awkward encounters, please press on.

disclaimer: for those of you who don’t know me, i thank you for taking the time to read and get to know me- i apologize for my vulgarity. i apologize, but i won’t stop.

okay. deep breath. here we go.

i must preface this story with the fact that this man was a doctor. a really successful, rich oops sorry did i just say that out loud?, good-looking, fun doctor. yep, doctor. i know what you’re thinking, he must’ve really fucked something up in order for us to not be dating right now, right? yeahhh, i was thinking the same thing.

the date: july 5th. the time: 10pm-10am the next morning. the place: in a really nice condo. the participants: me, this doctor, and his 2 adorable little kittens. no, that’s not a euphemism for anything. he actually had 2 little kitties.

let’s call this doctor man Dexter, shall we? before this encounter, i could see him as someone named Dexter, suave, successful, rich dammit oops i did it again…but after this story, you’ll see why he would’ve been much more suited to a name like Sherman…or maybe something really unfortunate, like Archibald, or Gus… (if your name is Archibald or Gus, i really apologize. but mostly because your parents named you Archibald or Gus…) maybe i’ll switch half way through the story, when things get really awkward, and start calling him Sherman instead.

Dexter had asked me a couple days before this encounter if i could score him some, uh, green? to keep this story G rated for now, i’m going to skip over the exchange. so before we decided to engage in any activity with this newly acquired stuff, i asked him very kindly if i there was anything weird that i should be prepared to witness. you know, some people get really sluggish and have to be constantly poked or else they fall asleep. this is really important, what if i had to pee really bad and he ends up too “tired” to move or speak?!  he looked at me like i was a dumbass and responded, “what? no. i’m just chill. i’m like, really good to be around.”  so i got excited. i hate people who over-talk and ruin the high, i mean, moment.

not even 5 minutes later, this fool starts BLABBING on and on about how much he loved Disney World, and not Disney Land, and why Disney World was so much better than Disney Land. BITCH, WHAT?! i aint’ tryna hear that shit. ever. so especially not while i’m in the zone. what seemed like 3 hours later (was probably about 15 minutes in real life), he realizes that i’m paying negative zero attention to him, so he suggests a change of scenery. inside we go! we decide to watch some Family Guy. i was happy with this decision. i love Family Guy. he starts trying to be cutesy and handsy and putting his arm around me and laying across my lap and stuff. okay. fine. short aside: i’m allergic to cats, so i’m on Benadryl. i’m also on ibuprofen, because i’ve had a raging headache all day. i’m also on Midol, because…well, you know. i made it very clear to him that i’m not feeling well, and i used to have to take Vicodin for cramp pains, so you know this was no joke. he seemed to not know what “not feeling well” meant because he continued to fiddle around with me. after pushing him away several times, i was ambushed out of nowhere. i swear to you, i had no idea this was coming. he swoops in for a really messy, wet kiss. yes, i used the word “swoop” because that’s what happened. as if this weren’t bad enough, he pulls away after slobbering on me for 20 seconds, and looks at me and says

well, that was awkward.

pause. really? acknowledging that it was awkward was the only thing you could’ve done to make the situation worse. thank you. congratulations, you did it. i no longer wanted to watch Family Guy.

if i had any question as to when Dexter became Sherman, this would be the defining moment. lord jesus…

Sherman decides that it’s a good idea for us to cuddle. he asks how i’m feeling. this is a sweet gesture, i guess. i tell him that i still don’t feel very good and that i just wanna go to bed. a normal person would’ve just said “good night”, right? right. but Sherman the doctor said the following…

so..do you wanna like…make out?

go ahead. i’ll give you some time to digest that. and while you marinate on the intense obscenity of that, i’ll remind you that he is 26, a doctor, and seemed perfectly normal until he smoked. (sub moral of the story, don’t smoke with someone new unless they have someone to vouch for them…)

now, that time i just gave you to process that ridiculous question? yeah, i didn’t have that time. i was, again, attacked by Sherman’s mouth. also, side note, have you ever kissed someone with a weak tongue? where it’s just there? UGH.

as you can probably imagine, after i pushed that away, there were no more hopes to the rest of the night. after slight groping on his end from the hours of 4am-7am, i tried to go to sleep and make it all go away. i made him take me home immediately after he woke up the next morning. i think my exact words were “no, fuck Cheerios, take me home. please.”

well, he hasn’t texted me since. i’m hoping he took a hint.

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