August 27, 2013

in limbo

it’s the hardest feeling in the world for me. i think it always has been, but i’ve never really been aware enough to recognize it. ironically enough, one of my dearest friends posted a blog post about gray areas today, too. reading her perspective on it really helped. she mentions this quote below:

I like to play the grey areas in life – that’s the most uncomfortable place to be. Nobody likes to be in that in-between state where they don’t know what’s going to happen. There’s a lot of tension in that, and a lot of stuff to play with – where it’s uncomfortable and awkward and sad and scary.

– Melanie Lynskey

i realize that this feeling of limbo can’t last forever. it just can’t. same with any other feelings or emotions or states of being. we can’t forever be happy, or upset, or mad, or frustrated. and that gives me hope. to know that with these feelings of uncertainty, these feelings of “limbo-ness”, these gray areas, come the happy moments, too, when we start to see things clearly and then further appreciate them.

more to come…

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January 17, 2013

city of angels

i know i know. it’s been another couple of months since i’ve last posted something. things have been busy, and frantic, and scary, to say the least. so here are some updates.

last we spoke, i was still in Chicago, finishing up fall quarter, and trying to make everything from classes to SigO rehearsals to meetings run smoothly. everything was great.

i was offered an internship out in Burbank, California, for Atlantic Records. and of course, i went for it. if you remember last summer, they had to drag me out of there kicking and screaming from Warner Bros. Records. 

the atmosphere is totally different. that’s probably the biggest discrepancy out here so far. everyone is just relaxed. i felt like, in NYC, and even in Chicago and Evanston on the NU campus, everyone was so hectic, even if there wasn’t actually anything to freak out about. LA is nice. LA is weather that i’m used to. LA has weather that i haven’t experienced since Florida, and it’s definitely nice being back in the sun and warmth.

my job is relaxed, laid-back, and just a lot more calm than when i was in Manhattan. and i think that’s to be expected. 

more later.

October 29, 2012

the return

so, hi. i can’t believe it’s been over 2 months since i last posted something on here. for those of you who actually read this, i thank you! i missed you. there have been some updates in my life, and i thought i’d give y’all the run-down. so the latest development in my life was my 22nd birthday. i’m old, y’all! i don’t really feel a difference although i will say that, in the past 12 months, i have grown more than i have ever imagined possible. i think i grew as a person, a soul, a mental being, etc. i feel extremely blessed to have gone through the life-changing experiences that i got to go through. for those of you who are wondering, i’m still affiliated with Warner Bros. Records. although i’m not in the NYC offices anymore, i’m still doing remote work for them out of Chicago. i got to go to the Rockie Fresh tour date in Chicago on my birthday, so that was a blast. i have to give the biggest shout-outs to my people in the NYC office who made it all possible though. the show was a delight, and i miss MMG and the rest of the label like crazy. 

school is killing me. i’m in 6 classes, working a job on campus, and running rehearsals for Sig O still. everything is a blast and i don’t ever want it to end, but the amount of stress i’m under is some real shit. sleep is forever the first thing on my mind and the last thing that gets to happen. the struggle is so live these days.

August 20, 2012

just go for it!

i think that it’s fascinating that we’re advanced enough to be able to glean emotions and hidden meanings in simple texts and emoticons. there was something that i wanted to address today though.

so i guess, along with texting being today’s choice of communication, come the ridiculous rules…i don’t buy into these rules not one bit. the biggest one that i cannot stand comes from the girls. you don’t know how upset i get when i hear “nope, i can’t text him until he texts me”. if you really feel that way, then don’t give me the “but i like him SO much” bullshit. bc you gotta pick one. you can’t have both. either you like him and you make it known to him, or you don’t and you sit your ass there and wait for him to maybe or maybe not text you first.

i have NEVER been that type of girl. if mama wants something, mama’s gonna go get it. you remember back in elementary school when we all played telephone with each other and passed along messages? well, instead of being telling megan to tell suzie to tell anna to tell christine that i maybe think tom is cute, i always just went and told tom my damn self. either tom liked me too, and we dated (in 2nd grade) or tom didn’t feel me like that, and we continued to play kickball on the playground. see how simple that was? see, when you play all that she say he say game, that’s how rumors get started. next thing you know, viv likes tom’s older sister’s dog’s cousin, and i get in trouble for beastiality. see how that could’ve been avoided? just be straight up! men like confidence anyway…try it!

August 9, 2012

just breezy

FIRST OFF. CHRIS BROWN IS ON TOP OF ME RIGHT NOW. no, unfortunately, not like that. he’s upstairs today! i spazzed for a while. he and Beyonce are the only 2 people i will ever be a groupie for.

anyway. i really wanted to thank all of you who read my post from yesterday. someone actually made a really nasty judgemental statement 2 nights ago, and i sorta lost it. i was in tears writing it so to hear you guys say that it was thought-provoking, really warmed my heart. i really appreciate all of you who took the time to actually read what i wrote, because i can promise you, that everything that ever comes out of my mouth or ends up on this blog, is 100% my truest and deepest feelings and emotions.

for the couple of you who actually reached out to me via Facebook and text message, i thoroughly appreciate y’all. it’s nice to write to an audience.

you are all in my thoughts. be peaceful.

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August 8, 2012

worth fighting for

disclaimer: i’m simply using where i go to school as an example. ignorance exists everywhere. and i’m not saying NU is particularly bad at this- i’m just saying that it happens on a daily basis, and way more than  you think.

Northwestern University, this prestigious school, this place where intellectuals were supposed to be thriving, where the kids are supposed to be the brightest, the most educated…right?

in reality, most of the kids lacked so much common sense and so much every day real world knowledge. these kids, instead of being accepting and open to things, were so closed off and so judgmental. it hurt so much to hear some of the things that were being joked about and being ignorantly said. never in my life have i heard so many condescending remarks regarding where someone grew up, where one went/goes to school, etc…it truly breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes.

today, i wanted to write about a topic that is very near and dear to me. it’s something i fight for every day and i want to educate as many people on it as possible. i went to an honors program for both middle school and high school. with the infamous IB program and a top-notch culinary arts program, my high school was ranked #4 in the country in my sophomore year and every year, we hit nearly every Ivy League university. yes, my school was an amazing place. however, it was also in the worst part of town, because we needed to boost the morale of the school. putting the IB program at my high school, we could boost up the average AP and IB scores of the school and whatnot. i learned a lot from the area where my high school was located. i learned about the people, the culture, and most importantly, how fortunate i was for having the opportunities that i had, because not everyone was equal, and not everyone was given the same chances in life.

for most of you reading my blog, going to college was probably a gimme, a duh, a no questions asked, part of your life that proceeded after high school. most of you who are under that category, probably also judge immensely, where others attend college, if at all.

i get the stereotype. people who don’t attend college after high school are lazy so they didn’t wanna work in high school, they’re probably stupid so they didn’t get into a “good” college. you know what? fuck you. there are about 22345 other factors that decide what someone is doing after high school. and you know what else? that school that you go to? there are others better than it. yep, even if you go to “the top school” because there are always departments better than yours. ever wonder what other people from “better” schools say about you for not getting into their school? also, how’s this, yeah, you might go to Northwestern- but do you know how people from, say, Yale might feel about the fact that you don’t attend/get accepted their school?

and yes, i put quotations around all qualifying or categorizing words about schools because, well, what does that even mean? wait, before you say that some list told you so, think about how stupid you’re about to sound. a list. that’s man-made. yeah? okay. sit down. please.

i wanted to tell you guys about the most amazing person i have ever met in my life. name’s not important, but here’s the story. he’s currently a community college drop out. i know the thoughts passing through you’re head. you’re already assessing him- judging him. but here’s what you don’t know. he graduated high school and attended the local community college after passing up a full-ride baseball scholarship at a 4 year university. he dropped out half way through because his grandmother had breast cancer and he had to take care of her. today, he’s struggling to get back into school with a in-state tuition. but you know what? he can’t, because his dead-beat of a father doesn’t want to acknowledge his own son. his father had to give 2 numbers, his social and his driver’s license. but he couldn’t. and he wouldn’t. because of that, my friend was delayed in going back to school. he is one of the smartest, wittiest, funniest, brightest people i have ever encountered.

but do you know the amount of judgment he got from Northwestern students when they met him for the first time and asked what school he attended? of course, they automatically assume that, just because he doesn’t go to a top 15 school like they do, that he was worse off than they were, and of COURSE he was dumber than they were. i mean, why else would he not go to a top-notch university?! if there could be any more sarcasm in the world, blood would come out of my eyeballs. the shit literally makes me sick to my stomach. the ignorance and evil perceptions of people who weren’t “as good as them” that came from my fellow classmates upset me in ways i thought were never possible.

i guess, what i’m trying to preach to you today is, please please PLEASE don’t judge other people’s intelligence or their effort to try to “better themselves” because you don’t know their stories. you don’t know where they came from, and you certainly don’t know where they’re headed. it’s not always black and white, and it’s not always that simple. i ask you, if you don’t do anything else today, to please, just open up your eyes. and when a judgmental thing comes to mind, push it away. train yourself. you can’t call yourself well-educated or well-rounded if you still have these ignorant as fuck thoughts. in fact, you’re the ones that society looks down upon for being so judgmental and naive. people in the real world laugh at and judge you. truth.

August 7, 2012

second grade

when i first moved to the states, i lived in Cali briefly before moving to Baltimore, Maryland, for a year. at the time, i didn’t pay much attention to anything that wasn’t Sailor Moon or princess related. it took a good couple of years for me to realize that my father and i didn’t leave the house past 8pm on most days. we certainly didn’t walk outside or go to the grocery store past those hours. the concept of staying indoors because of a bad neighborhood never occurred to me. but during those times, my parents were both just learning English. my dad was working at Johns Hopkins University but my mom was unemployed and was studying 24/7 to get her RN license. we were not financially sound enough to be living in a nice neighborhood or environment.

school was a little bit rough, mainly because i didn’t speak any English. but it was also difficult because the kids teased me a lot. i guess seeing someone who was of a different race than them was extremely different and therefore, gave them a reason to yell out obscenely racist things at me. it’s okay though; i didn’t understand 78% of the shit the little bitches said anyway…

i think i had to learn really early on to have thick skin and be culturally sensitive, all at the same time. to this day, it doesn’t phase me when someone is rude or racist towards me. however, it burns me to the core when it’s happening to someone else, because i know what that feels like. i’m always waiting for the day when color of skin no longer matters.

August 6, 2012

cultured – part 1

i understand that we were all brought up in different environments. i also get that sometimes, it’s not always 100% one person’s fault how little they might know or comprehend about another’s culture or ways or life. however, there is a certain point in time when one can no longer blame his/her parents, upbringing or environment in which he/she grew up- because by a certain age, you need to go educate yourself on these matters and stop expecting the world to just give it to you.

first of all, before any of you spoiled brats open up your soup-coolers to tell me about how it’s not your fault how privileged you were raised or how you can’t help it if your parents were rich, i’m not saying that there is anything wrong with having a privileged childhood or upbringing. in fact, i feel the complete opposite! go on! feel proud and lucky about your ways! i wish everyone could get to experience life like you! i don’t think you should be punished for having a lavish lifestyle. i do think you need to be kicked in the ass, though, if you feel like this is the way it “should” be or if that this is what the “real world” is really like…what i’m trying to say is, i’ve grown up very fortunate. well, for the most part. brief background: i was born in a rural part of China called Hefei. i moved to Beijing when i was 2 months old so i call myself a Beijing native. anyway, i didn’t come from anywhere glamorous. in fact, my paternal grandparents actually just got a real toilet a couple years back. and yes, all jokes aside, they had a hole in the ground! (when i was younger, i was always too scared to pee in there because the hole was way bigger than i was…) i came from nowhere extravagant. my parents worked their asses off to get us to where we are today. and i’m super proud of them. but even though i have a really great and fortunate lifestyle now, i didn’t always have it like that. but i chose to go outside of the elitist bubble and see what the real world actually held.

i learned early on; my pristine world was shattered when i was only 8. i had just moved to the states and i was just starting to experience what it was like to be bullied. i wore really thick coke-bottle frames (still do), wore pretty obscure Chinese pieces of clothing with misspelled words, and the only words i knew in the entire English language were “apple”, “banana”, “red” and “yellow”.  right before i got on the bus on the first day of 2nd grade, i quickly learned the words “bathroom” and “me”. well, actually, i learned the word “my” because in Chinese, “me”, “my” and “i” are all the same words. my first words to my teacher were “my bathroom” because i had to pee…

i was tormented as a child; people yelled all kinds of made up nonsense syllables at me as i walked past them; i got called nicknames like Mulan, chink, ching-chong, you name it, i was probably called. i swore to myself then, at 8 years old, that i would never discriminate anyone for something they cannot change. this involves way more than just race- this includes sexual orientation, family background, mental capacity, social status, etc.

some of the stories in the following posts will be funny, some will be sad, and some will be just downright repulsive. i often get asked about how and why i became as aware as i am today. i’m by no means done or feel completely learned; i have so far to go still. but here’s my journey on how i learned to actively become cultured…

August 2, 2012

take 2 seats, please

today, i’m discussing the ridiculousness that is seen on my Twitter and Facebook and across all other social media these days. i’m about to blow your mind with the insanity that these 12 year olds can come up with…

all quotations taken are verbatim

about to #shower

okay. hashtags are tremendously popular. i get that. but my question to you is, why did you hashtag shower?! who is going to be looking up #shower and comparing notes to you via Twitter? are you planning on writing to the people who also tweeted #shower, and say “oh cool! me too!”?

i love you’re picture

you oughtta be spanked, slapped, then sent back to elementary school. i can’t even with this one. next.

aww, you’re a cute asian

…as opposed to…?

oh hey brenda song 😉

no. nope. really? even if we did look alike, still the worst pick-up line i’ve ever heard. boy bye.

slapped my sister across her damn face because she asked for it. won’t be suprised if my phone is disconnected later today…

yes, suprised. also, can i tell you that this little girl is all of 14 years old? WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?

i just can’t. all y’all need to take 2 seats. #smdh

August 1, 2012

men, if you ever do this…

today’s blog is about me. today’s blog is about me and a particular gentleman who shall remain nameless. and i hope that he doesn’t see this post. actually, you know what? i NEED him to see this post. maybe he’ll take a few pointers. today’s blog is also going to be a little bit explicit and a lotta bit uncomfortable. so if you’ve got a weak stomach, stop reading. however, if you wanna crack up laughing at one of my most awkward encounters, please press on.

disclaimer: for those of you who don’t know me, i thank you for taking the time to read and get to know me- i apologize for my vulgarity. i apologize, but i won’t stop.

okay. deep breath. here we go.

i must preface this story with the fact that this man was a doctor. a really successful, rich oops sorry did i just say that out loud?, good-looking, fun doctor. yep, doctor. i know what you’re thinking, he must’ve really fucked something up in order for us to not be dating right now, right? yeahhh, i was thinking the same thing.

the date: july 5th. the time: 10pm-10am the next morning. the place: in a really nice condo. the participants: me, this doctor, and his 2 adorable little kittens. no, that’s not a euphemism for anything. he actually had 2 little kitties.

let’s call this doctor man Dexter, shall we? before this encounter, i could see him as someone named Dexter, suave, successful, rich dammit oops i did it again…but after this story, you’ll see why he would’ve been much more suited to a name like Sherman…or maybe something really unfortunate, like Archibald, or Gus… (if your name is Archibald or Gus, i really apologize. but mostly because your parents named you Archibald or Gus…) maybe i’ll switch half way through the story, when things get really awkward, and start calling him Sherman instead.

Dexter had asked me a couple days before this encounter if i could score him some, uh, green? to keep this story G rated for now, i’m going to skip over the exchange. so before we decided to engage in any activity with this newly acquired stuff, i asked him very kindly if i there was anything weird that i should be prepared to witness. you know, some people get really sluggish and have to be constantly poked or else they fall asleep. this is really important, what if i had to pee really bad and he ends up too “tired” to move or speak?!  he looked at me like i was a dumbass and responded, “what? no. i’m just chill. i’m like, really good to be around.”  so i got excited. i hate people who over-talk and ruin the high, i mean, moment.

not even 5 minutes later, this fool starts BLABBING on and on about how much he loved Disney World, and not Disney Land, and why Disney World was so much better than Disney Land. BITCH, WHAT?! i aint’ tryna hear that shit. ever. so especially not while i’m in the zone. what seemed like 3 hours later (was probably about 15 minutes in real life), he realizes that i’m paying negative zero attention to him, so he suggests a change of scenery. inside we go! we decide to watch some Family Guy. i was happy with this decision. i love Family Guy. he starts trying to be cutesy and handsy and putting his arm around me and laying across my lap and stuff. okay. fine. short aside: i’m allergic to cats, so i’m on Benadryl. i’m also on ibuprofen, because i’ve had a raging headache all day. i’m also on Midol, because…well, you know. i made it very clear to him that i’m not feeling well, and i used to have to take Vicodin for cramp pains, so you know this was no joke. he seemed to not know what “not feeling well” meant because he continued to fiddle around with me. after pushing him away several times, i was ambushed out of nowhere. i swear to you, i had no idea this was coming. he swoops in for a really messy, wet kiss. yes, i used the word “swoop” because that’s what happened. as if this weren’t bad enough, he pulls away after slobbering on me for 20 seconds, and looks at me and says

well, that was awkward.

pause. really? acknowledging that it was awkward was the only thing you could’ve done to make the situation worse. thank you. congratulations, you did it. i no longer wanted to watch Family Guy.

if i had any question as to when Dexter became Sherman, this would be the defining moment. lord jesus…

Sherman decides that it’s a good idea for us to cuddle. he asks how i’m feeling. this is a sweet gesture, i guess. i tell him that i still don’t feel very good and that i just wanna go to bed. a normal person would’ve just said “good night”, right? right. but Sherman the doctor said the following…

so..do you wanna like…make out?

go ahead. i’ll give you some time to digest that. and while you marinate on the intense obscenity of that, i’ll remind you that he is 26, a doctor, and seemed perfectly normal until he smoked. (sub moral of the story, don’t smoke with someone new unless they have someone to vouch for them…)

now, that time i just gave you to process that ridiculous question? yeah, i didn’t have that time. i was, again, attacked by Sherman’s mouth. also, side note, have you ever kissed someone with a weak tongue? where it’s just there? UGH.

as you can probably imagine, after i pushed that away, there were no more hopes to the rest of the night. after slight groping on his end from the hours of 4am-7am, i tried to go to sleep and make it all go away. i made him take me home immediately after he woke up the next morning. i think my exact words were “no, fuck Cheerios, take me home. please.”

well, he hasn’t texted me since. i’m hoping he took a hint.